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WASHINGTON – The most recent obstacle to the summit between President Donald Trump and North Korea’s Kim Jong Un in Singapore has been removed.

As initially reported in Washington Post last week, cash-strapped North Korea expected difficulty paying for Un’s hotel during the summit, and the United States had been looking looking for a discreet way to cover the bill while saving face for Un.

State Department officials, mindful of North Korean pridefulness, worked days to find funding safe from public scrutiny. “We needed a dark, dark source,” according to a department spokesman, and the president personally intervened with very firm instructions. “Just find one of those shithole places like I talked about before, tell them to pay for it and get Rocket Boy his hotel,” Trump reportedly ordered.

The spokesman said, “We then noticed the news of a 1,200 page budget being submitted to the Illinois legislature for an immediate vote with no review or inspection. That will work, we thought, so we convened a conference call with with Illinois legislative leaders from both parties. They were very cooperative. We hadn’t even gotten to saying what the cost would be when they said, ‘Yeah, fine, whatever.'”

Party leadership quickly penned the needed provision and inserted it into the budget.

The provision was exposed by accident when reporters overheard Illinois Comptroller Susana Mendoza’s reaction after being briefed on the budget provision. After wondering  whether she had authority to actually disburse the appropriation for the hotel ahead of the state’s $6.5 billion backlog of unpaid bills, she was heard to say, “I gotta check with Mike.” House Speaker Michael Madigan had privately assured State Department officials that “Mendoza does what I tell her to do. Always.” The issue was thereby resolved.

The Fullerton in Singapore

North Korea’s lodging of choice for the summit, according to the Washington Post, is The Fullerton, a five-star resort where the presidential suite costs $6,000 a night.

When reached for comment on Illinois’ role helping facilitate the potentially historic summit, billionaire gubernatorial candidate J.B. Pritzker said, “The Fullerton? I’d never stay at that dump. Uninhabitable.”

We also requested comment from Governor Bruce Rauner who sent the following response: “Why didn’t anybody tell me there’s a new budget?”

-Mark Glennon is founder and Executive Editor of Wirepoints.

 

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Eileen A. Ellis

Hahaha. A tiny bit too long .. but a brilliant idea and funny.